I think it might be easiest just to start from the beginning. It is difficult to give this much information but I think it will help ME and hopefully others out there. I don’t want this taken the wrong way but I’m seriously putting everything out – with no filter. I’m sure this post sounds choppy but this is very hard to write about…I am crying as I write this and re-read it. This post has been in the works for a LONG time…LONNNNNG time. I got the final push I needed to release it when my friend Pam opened up about her body image struggles in this post.
Most people probably don’t know this but ever since a few years ago I’ve struggled with body image issues. I’ve shared bits and pieces but not the whole story until now…I’ve wanted to shut down this website numerous times. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because I’m probably not as lean as people think I am. I cringe when someone emails me that they want to prepare for a competition or photo shoot.
I don’t like the person I’ve become. This isn’t me. I posted the picture below but no one knew I had a shirt on because of the “fat” around my hips…
The one below wasn’t posted because the “fat” around my hips comes over the sides of my swimsuit (both pictures were taken on the same trip last year).
I ignore the fact that my legs are strong and can hike up the tallest mountain in the lower 48, Mount Whitney, and my arms are strong enough to climb half dome (and hold on for fear of falling!)…when I saw this picture I was only fixated on my “fat”.
Looking back I DO think this was so silly/stupid to think this way but the truth is I still look at myself this way day-to-day. It’s only when I’m looking back that I see how foolish it really is. But I haven’t always been this way. It started about two years ago. The first year and a half that I was “into” fitness was AMAZING and I never had negative body image issues.
But now I struggle with this EVERY SINGLE DAY.
HOW GETTING INTO FITNESS RUINED MY BODY IMAGE
GROWING UP
Thankfully I wasn’t brought up to hate my body or really even pay attention to it in terms of being “fat” or “skinny”. I didn’t have your typical childhood either though. I was raised on a farm but in a pretty developed area. Ever since I could walk I was basically working. I would help my grandparents plant and pick the vegetables on the farm. I didn’t grow up playing video games or watching TV. I also didn’t grow up eating out – if we did it was a RARE treat which happened MAYBE 1-2 times per month. I did eat a pretty balanced diet but I was never restricted from anything. The fridge or pantry was never “off limits” but I never remember really snacking either because I was ALWAYS outside doing something. I remember cereal or eggs for breakfast and then we had your typical nights during the week: spaghetti, tacos, etc. I ate what was prepared for me and that was it.
I wasn’t like most of the other girls growing up. Like I mentioned, weight or looks were never a priority for me. I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave (I showered at night), washed my face, brushed my teeth and left. I didn’t get into makeup in middle or high school either – It never made sense to me. I didn’t understand why I should cover up my face with it. I think I wore make-up 2-3 times in high school (and that was to prom). I STILL cannot even put on eyeshadow. It was actually on my “30 Before 30” list to learn and I even took a lesson but I think I’ve worn it twice since then. 🙂
I also didn’t EVER get into the “celebrity worship”. I think that helped me to not care about weight. I still don’t understand the obsession we have with “celebrities”. Most of the time when someone talks to me about a celebrity I have no idea who they are. My sister, who was the exact opposite of me growing up, would buy those celebrity gossip magazines and I would always say something to her about what a waste of money they were. She would buy them weekly and I would add up ($156 per year) how much she spent on those dumb magazines and let her know. 🙂 Now you know why we started sharing the financial/minimalism side of our life!
I WAS very self-conscious but for other reasons. My family was always telling me how beautiful I was and how I had a body that most people would kill for. What I had was a DDD/F size chest and a 24″ waist. This led to we walking around with my arms always crossed in front of me because I was so uncomfortable with my chest – even though it’s what most people wanted (or so they thought). I had to have all of my swimsuits and bras made for me and couldn’t wear tank tops.
I had a breast reduction at 16.
I was small – probably a size 6 with a large chest = back problems. I remember coming home one day and just laying on the ground because my back hurt so bad. So at 16, I had a reduction down to a “full C”. At the time it wasn’t an out-patient surgery, I had to stay in the hospital overnight. It wasn’t that bad of a recovery though and I was super happy with the results. I felt proportional but I was still very self-conscious. Now that I think about it I probably never cared about makeup because I thought it would just draw more attention to me. I wouldn’t walk into a store or even put our name down at a restaurant by myself until I was in my 20s.
Below is a picture from Scott’s prom in 2001 – before the reduction. I apologize for the quality (it’s old!) but you can see how I was shaped then. This prom dress had to have a special bra built into it and the straps added to still help hold it up.
Below is another one from high school spring break. It was in a scrapbook and I used those cool scissors to cut it – those were the days! 🙂
MARRIED LIFE
When we got married is when we started gaining weight (you probably read that in “Our Story“). It was a combination of a lifestyle change (sitting at jobs), getting older, and eating out ALL the time. I remember being anywhere from a size 6-10 but, again, it didn’t really bother me until Scott started to eat healthier and had so much energy and started a bunch of new hobbies (working out, hiking, kayaking, etc). I wanted to be part of those too!
The pictures below are from when Scott started working out (obviously) but I hadn’t even entered the gym yet. I was eating “better” because Scott was but I didn’t feel “fat” here. I didn’t have any problem wearing a two-piece and just had a great time at the beach. I think this was May/June 2010.
No negative body image issues.
LIFESTYLE CHANGE
It was the next summer (2011) that I really began to embrace the lifestyle change that Scott was making. I wanted more energy and I wanted to be strong! I started going to the gym, even though I was terrified, and completely changed my eating habits (again, I had already started slowly just because he was eating better).
I did NOT hate myself, I just wanted to be a healthier version. I never put a timeframe on anything and I never attached a number to anything either.
I quickly went from a size 8/10 to a size 2/4. I say quickly and what I mean is 3-6 months. I didn’t restrict myself or create any unhealthy habits. After joining the gym I fell in love with lifting weights and the entire lifestyle. I absolutely LOVED it. I had become such a positive person and wanted to help everyone I could!
I KNOW the reason that I was so successful so quickly is because I did NOT have any stipulations or even really any goals in mind. I know that sounds weird but I didn’t. I also did NOT compare myself to others. Instagram wasn’t big (it might not have even been around?!) when I started so there wasn’t a ton of “fitspo” to look at. I was on Pinterest but I never spent time on it comparing myself to others.
Fast forward to May 2012 (photo below). I was preparing for a photo shoot and working out with a trainer. I was precise about my workout routine and my meal plan. I never even did anything drastic. I didn’t cut carbs or reduce my calories that low but I was ALWAYS on track with my workout routine and my meal plan. I was so proud of myself and so happy with where I was. I didn’t set out to be super-lean. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to do a fun photo shoot. And I did!
NOW
But now this is what I do – I critique my body in front of the mirror every chance I get. Sometimes I’ll have something negative to say out loud or sometimes I’ll keep it to myself because I know Scott gets tired of hearing it. I STILL haven’t weighed myself since June 2014 (after ending my “scale project“) because I know that will make it worse.
Neither picture has been edited in any way – obviously, the lighting is different because of the locations but that’s it – same swimsuit, same person. I randomly took the picture on the right one day a few weeks ago. I didn’t even care to try to flex my arms or legs because for some reason getting the worst picture seems to be the goal for me lately.
If I were to see the picture on the right of anyone else I would think she looks great, but I compare it to the one on the left and I’m not happy that my stomach isn’t as flat as it was and that my hips are starting to bulge over the sides. Yet as I type this I UNDERSTAND how crazy this sounds. I am comparing a random day of just living life to a day from years ago when I was preparing for something in particular. I’m at a different point in my life. My goals and focus have changed and I KNOW that but I still do it.
It isn’t all bad though, some days I wake up and think, oh I’m actually feeling pretty lean today. Then something else comes along (like another mirror) and I feel completely different. Then I start thinking about how crazy this is and it actually makes me MAD! Like the photos I’ve shared before below. I didn’t prepare for these photos but I was just having a “good day”. I don’t share pictures like this really anymore because of the reasons I’m listing in this post. I seem to just blow these photos off and only focus on the bad ones.
SO WHY DO I DO THIS?
I know why I do this now. I live in the past and I observe others. I see other people and think, dang they look like that EVERY single day (obviously because they post the same half-naked “selfie” every day) and I only look that lean every once in a while when I’m having a good day.
In the beginning, I just focused on my life and had amazing results. As soon as I started to observe others and pursue “perfection” is when everything spiraled downhill.
Random Thoughts: Why do we look at ourselves so much in the mirror? Why do we take so many “selfies”? WHY does it seem normal to see half-naked people all over social media? Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs – ENOUGH ALREADY.
Even when I was preparing for my photo shoot I only took progress pictures, weighed, and took measurements once a week. But this new “face” of fitness sells – that’s why the fitness industry does it. Most women (and even men) are sold on this image they see daily. They want to have abs and toned arms and legs – ya know, the “perfect body”.
Why do we get so wrapped up in this image that we think is “fit”?
I’ve been lean enough where you could see my abs but I feel stronger and healthier and more FIT now. I can sprint uphill at the same speed I could sprint on a flat surface years ago. I can hike more difficult trails in less time. I can lift more at the gym but for some reason, my head can’t get around the fact that I am not “lean enough”.
Who actually decided that fit = abs and XX body fat?
I have been 12-14% body fat before. I did have a flat stomach. I didn’t have ANY chest. Remember, I already had a reduction so losing my “full C” that I was comfortable with was really difficult for me.
This comparison and negative body image trap is a never-ending cycle and all it does is make things worse.
I know EXACTLY what to do workout wise and what/how to eat but my MIND is not in sync like it used to be. My MIND is always thinking that I am doing something wrong and that people (YOU, our readers) won’t trust me if I’m not super lean. So I second guess myself even though I know what works.
I think to myself ALL THE TIME…what changed? Well, I still eat healthy. I’m balanced – I follow the 80/20 rule and I do not deprive myself. I don’t label food as “good” or “bad”. I probably don’t drink a gallon of water per day but that’s not it.
It’s not the water. It’s my mind. My mind is messed up.
I am a HEALTHY SIZE FOUR and still can’t shake this! When I was featured in Oxygen Magazine I even wrote about the importance of keeping a positive mindset and thinking positively about yourself.
Look, it’s right here. It says “I built up my confidence with positive thinking!”.
So why can’t I do that now? How do I (we) end this cycle of negative body image?
I need to get back to the positive person with a positive body image who didn’t care what anyone thought or what anyone else was doing. I feel this way when I’m disconnected from social media – like when we are on our hiking trips.
How can we change social media so that it is a positive experience? Is that possible?
Please note that there were A TON of comments on this post that didn’t get migrated over when we recently switched to WordPress. I am working on a fix for this. 🙂 UPDATE: I’ve copied and pasted the previous comments below (I didn’t include my responses), I hope these comments also help you if you are struggling!
You May Also Be Interested In These Body Image Posts:
- 5 Ways to Break Through Negative Body Image
- 5 Things I Did (and Didn’t Do) to Achieve My Dream Body
- Why You Need to Ditch Your Scale
- Build Up Your Confidence with Positive Thinking
- 5 Reasons to Wear a Swimsuit
- Social MEdia & the Fitness Industry
Jayne Knope says
I realize this article is rather old, but this is exactly how I feel today. Even 5 years after competing in figure, I can’t get myself out of this hole. I’m not overweight, so if I said this to anyone else, they would not understand. Before I competed I didn’t binge eat. I loved to lift weights and work out. But now I have this unrealistic expectation of my body to look more like I did on stage. Why not? I did it before? I even became a personal trainer and taught others how to take care of themselves. Now I really don’t care about lifting anymore. In fact I just don’t want to go to the gym because I’m embarrassed of how I look. Every second of every day I think about my body and how I don’t feel comfortable anymore. I nitpick every little thing. I doesn’t help that I’m 46 now. I just don’t know how to find that spark i had before. That control over food and discipline in the gym that I had and used to love. Just when I think I’ve got it back, I start feeling bad again and I just give up.
Thank you for posting your feelings about this. Even if no ones sees this, I just wanted to write it down and get it off my chest. None of my friends and family would understand this.
Whitney Carlson says
Thanks for taking the time to comment Jayne! This article is a few years old but I STILL struggle. Right now is, unfortunately, one of those times. And what you wrote describes me exactly. There were a TON of comments on this post but when we migrated websites they weren’t transferred over. 🙁 I’m trying to see if a developer can get them migrated or if I can copy them over because there was a ton of great info. Anyway, I hope things get better for you! Reach out if you ever need to!
Lisa says
Hey there. I hope things are going better for you. I know this is an old comment, but I just want to reach out and say to never give up. Giving up is one of the WORST things one can possibly do, especially when it comes to something you used to love. You just have to keep going. I know it’s hard – as I have given up many times my self, but then I say “screw this, I can do this. I will not quit.” And so, I continue. No matter how much I just want to quit, and I keep going. And I’ve never been prouder of myself.
You have nothing to be embarrassed over. Never, ever feel embarrassed over your body. Your body is your home. Your temple. It is something to be proud of, no matter what. Love your body for what it is, not what it is not. If there is something you don’t like – don’t just sit there and complain about it – work towards making it better. I am saying this from personal experience, over the years, and still going today.
Good luck on your journey. I wish you, and everyone on the same boat the best. ♥ 🙂
Xoxo says
This is me! I had a breast reduction too! I wouldn’t even get up to do anything in front of class. Never went to one school dance. Developed BED. Gained so much weight. Etc etc. breast reduction changed life, felt like myself for the first time ever, got into fitness. Superrr lean. Abs. People asking if I was anorexic (ha!) I felt amazing. I loved working out (still do) and whatever I was doing was just making me super lean. Wasn’t really trying but I did love it. Fast forward two years, bulimic and have gained 30 lbs. it’s AWFUL! I want to slap myself for looking at the pics from my “lean” time and thinking I needed to be better, buying clothes I would wear when I looked a little better. UGH!
Whitney Carlson says
COMMENTS FROM PREVIOUS WEBSITE (ADMIN):
Hi. I’m so glad you shared this story! I began my fitness journey 3 yrs ago. At first, like you, I felt very confident. But as time went on I started obsessing over the “imperfections” of my “twins” skin on lower belly plus stretch marks on legs..I couldn’t see that I’d grown stronger and leaner than ever before in my life. I turned 40 this year and should feel that’s i look and am healthier than ever. But instead I find myself looking in every mirror I pass and critiquing every little thing that I think is “wrong”. My husband tells me I’m beautiful and hot all the time and temporarily I feel confident but go right back to square one. I feel it’s starting to consume me and I really don’t know what to do. I’m constantly comparing myself to EVERYONE!! I want my confidence back and I don’t want to be self absorbed! I’ve got daughters and I surely need to make sure I nurture their need to be confident in themselves as they grow. And this is what I see in this picture..big thighs and fat belly. Pretty sad huh? I’m very blessed to have what I do and feel pretty guilty when I see those who are physically disabled and can’t do anything about it..
– Melissa
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Thank you so~ much for sharing this! I found myself in tears reading it as I’m struggling with the same issues right now and I really identify with what you’re saying and how you grew up. I too went from a healthy-no-body-image-issues type of gal to a rock climbing fiend. Within a short time, rock climbing inspired me so much that I became super fit/lean just to climb stronger. But life happens and I wasn’t able to sustain the climbing lifestyle (which can be imbalanced). I’m now what people might call “climber-fat,” aka can’t see a six pack and yeah, that’s a real term in the community. The thing is I’m still healthy & active & still strong but riddled with negativity because I’m not lean like I used to be. Sometimes my attitude makes me want to give up and resign myself to Netflix/junk food binging for the rest of my days. BUT I’m so glad I found this site!! I love your non-phony positive attitude and real, relatable honesty. Thanks!
– Sarah
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You’ve done a good thing by sharing this. I feel we do our selves more harm than good comparing ourselves to others. Thanks!
– Ambee
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I found myself searching online today hoping to read the right article or hear that one story that would cure me of this chronic obsession…..one that you share. I went from an overweight to a 2/4 standing on a competition stage in just over a year. I am a self employed PT and have been for 5 years now, and I love it! However, I constantly feel that I am a fraud and that my clients don’t look up to me because I am 19-21% bf instead of the 13% I was on stage. I don’t understand why my husband wants to look at me “like this” when he has seen me at my leanest. All my clothes still fit, but I am certain I am a whale…..and I know its crazy. I share every single emotion you described in your article, and although it isn’t a cure, it helped me today. So thank you for that.
– Audrey
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One of the misconceptions about being fit strong, in shape, or even looking as if you are if you’re not, is that you are primarily going around judging others. I think the more concerning problem is exactly what you are talking about in this post. I also want to clarify that I don’t condone bullying, nor do I condone being underweight or unhealthily overweight. Social media has gone in a variety of directions that can be damaging in a number of ways. When you judge your own shape/weight/fat percentage, it represents a whole new level of being pervasive and painful because the perpetrator is always with you! At a point, it can also be easier just to stay off social media, or at least take a break, because “I’m going on for motivation” can turn into “Now that’s my competition” in the blink of an eye. I am a very avid supporter of being open about these types of struggles because like me, many of us who lead healthy lifestyles and can fall into similar traps are also extremely hard workers who can have perfectionistic tendencies and are our own worst critic. Kindness and forgiveness are the best qualities we can nurture for ourselves in choosing not to engage in clean eating and HIIT or strength, whatever we choose to do, because we feel a need to prove something or because we want to be a specific number on a scale or item of clothing–but because sweat is the BEST medication there is for most ailments, because being active feels better than not being active, and supporting anyone of any size who is making progress toward their own, individualized, best version of themselves! I think the only competition we should be having is with ourselves, but in a careful way that doesn’t endorse black and white thinking and is flexible. Maybe today my best self does an hour of cardio and doesn’t eat any junk food, but my best self tomorrow is every bit as worthy and important if she doesn’t do a “workout” per se and has some cookies. My best self remembers that health and kindness to myself go hand in hand–one doesn’t exclude the other. My best self also builds other people up, yet gives tough love when applicable, and doesn’t seek perfection because, ultimately, perfection and uniformity are weird and very boring! My best self today feels physically bloated because of eating those cookies, but emotionally feels content because they were really good, I enjoyed making them, and psychologically is not damaged by guilt or shame. I have worked on this for many years and it has to be a daily intention until it becomes a habit that you are not criticizing yourself and your body. It is also immeasurably helpful to have a spouse who loves you unconditionally and is supportive and encouraging, although he doesn’t necessarily understand, but tries his best to. I wish this for anyone who struggles with these concerns!
– Kristina
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I know this post is old, but I came across it because I’m struggling with this now. WHen I was 242 pounds and I started my journey I lost 60 pounds in eight months and then have been in the same place since October 2015. When I started I had less eating issues and less body image issues than I do now! I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t get diabetes and die of a stroke. Now I’m still overweight and so unhappy! It’s nice to know that I’m not weird, that I’m not the only one who has gotten a worse body image from being healthy!
– Shannah
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First off, let me just say I LOVE the realness of this post! I have always struggled with body image. Of course, I can’t really tell most people in my real life this, but I was a sensitive kid growing up and had been “fat shamed” from family members when I was about 4 years old. I remember one instance, quite vividly, of being about 4 years old and having my uncle (who had a daughter my age) squeezing my belly and saying how much chubbier I was than his daughter. After that get together, i started walking back and forth around my back yard trying to lose weight. There’s been multiple comments like that growing up, mostly about how I could eat so much and how chubby of a little kid I was. For some reason, I’d never been able to shake those. Throughout my teenage and young adult years, I had fixated on being thin.
Last January, I had my first daughter and gained about 70 lbs. I was sure the weight would fall right off me as it had for my sister, but it didn’t. In the strangest way, this whole process of trying to lose the baby weight has been the most cathartic journey for my body image issues. I’m still about one size away from fitting my pre-baby jeans and while I would love to have those jeans back in my rotation, I’ve been able to find a new respect for my body. What I’ve learned is that our bodies do some incredible things, but our minds are in charge. If we focus on finding happiness and strength within ourselves, the exterior factors will likely fall into place but you might also find that they lose importance.
Throughout my journey of losing the baby weight (and also having a really difficult baby), I learned that comparison is the true thief of joy. It is easy to fall prey to social media standards of perfection. What I’ve done personally, is pledged to myself to share the good, bad, and ugly parts of life on my social media as well as my blog. In return, I’ve found other women who hold similar values and have connected with them and prioritized those relationships. There will always be women (and I have many close to me) who focus on perfection and show only that, but we must remember that that isn’t reality for anyone! Anyway, sorry for the essay but thank you for keeping this site up and sharing your feelings candidly.
– Melissa
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I recently went to a workshop led by Connie Sobczak, the author of “Embody: Learning to Love Your Unique Body”. The workshop was amazing and I am just now diving in to the book. It might be of interest to you as you move through your own journey. She also has a website: www.thebodypositive.org. Also very helpful to me was reading “Health at Every Size” by Linda Bacon. I was a strong & lean kid growing up. I played outside all day long and ate really well, thanks to my mom. When I became a new mom at 20 I gained 40 pounds and kept it on until I was in my early 30’s. Losing the weight felt better but I was still the same person inside. That is what I wasn’t prepared for. And instead of extra curves and larger pant size I was critical of my stretch marks, droopy breasts and belly. I am now a fitness instructor and every so often the doubt creeps in. I look strong and fit in my spandex clad attire…I’m all held together! It’s when the clothes come off that I hear my inner critic. I’m learning to show myself more love and compassion. I’m working on being grateful for the gifts that I have received because of my awesome body (two beautiful daughters and a very full physically fun life). It’s a process. Good for you for being brave, sharing with all of us, and embracing your own process head on.
– Kamala
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I just read this post and it really spoke to me. Thank you for having the bravery to post this. I have stopped stepping on the scale for this exact reason.
– Sarah
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I know I’m a bit late to commen. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty in this post. You look amazing, and I hope that you’re feeling better 🙂
– Lisa
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Thank you for your post – it is helpful to see how even women who have what I would consider ideal bodies can feel insecure due to all of the images out there. When I am a size medium I am healthy – but I have been both a small and an XL. When I’m an XL I have a barely C cup and when I’m small I have a barely B, so that is always a struggle when loosing weight. A few years ago after some personal trauma I took charge of my body – did paleo, started running and lifting, lost 36 lbs & gained some muscle -I went from a size 16 to a size 8/10. I realize on you that might seem fat but I was strong and beautiful for me. That was healthy for me – a few of my larger friends told me I’d lost to much weight (i hadn’t) commented on how I’d lost my curves etc. We have to be careful about the influences we surround ourselves with and how we compare to others. not just media but also peers. I couldn’t maintain paleo, had some injuries that interrupted my fitness & gradually gained much of the weight back and have been struggling between a 12 and 14 (not health for me). This time I’m taking it more slowly and trying to focus more on how clothes fit and how my face looks over the scale – but it’s hard. I’ll be 47 in December, we hiked & camped in Leadville this year and I want to be fit enough to climb the more challenging mountains with fewer stops to catch my breath before i’m 50. We are working on returning to fitness and transitioning to more clean eating (I’m more dedicated to the fitness, hubby more to the clean eating so we try to keep each other on track.) Thank you so much for sharing your journey – your tips and recipes, but also the vulnerability that is a reminder to reach not for the ideal body image but instead for health and fitness that allows us to live the lives we want (in other words if I can climb a mountain with a loaded pack, and enjoy playing on a SUP, that matters more than if I look good in a bikini – wearing a rash guard is good skin cancer prevention anyhow!) I will get back to that size 8/10 but in a more gentle forgiving way this time. And when I look at you I’ll do my best not to find motivation in your drive and commitment without envying your great genetics – because while I can strive for the first two, there is nothing I can do about the later. be well – in body, mind, and spirit.
– Genevieve
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Excellent post. I really like how brutally honest you were here. Overall, I find you website to be very inspiring in the sense you show people you don’t need to be or do anything special to get in great shape and stay that way. Your message is a very positive one and your emphasis on consistency and not perfection is something I wish the fitness industry would focus on more. Thank you again for this post!
– Kyle
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Thank you for this post. I got into fitness for the first time in my life as my 2016 New Year’s Resolution. Somehow I actually stuck with it til July and dropped from a size 6 to size 2. But I’ve been pretty unhappy the last month. I was much happier before when I never noticed my muffin top or arm flab. Now I can’t look at a mirror without being super critical of myself and comparing myself to size 0 celebrities.
I googled this post to find other people who have also experienced this annoying effect of exercise actually lowering self-esteem. Very destructive. I think it’s important to just take a breath a thank our bodies for being wonderful to us and for taking care of us.
– Andrea
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My friend who’s has trained competitive body builders, power lifters, and athletes has told me to flip the image of yourself over and look at it upside down. It makes you disconnect from the fact that it’s your own image and less subjectively.
– Amanda
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Thank you so much for sharing. It came just at the right time, since I am getting back on track with working out. Comparing myself to others and always seeing these “transformation photos” really does not help, since they are not me – everyone is unique and I usually keep forgetting this. Thanks for reminding me with your post that I should focus on what makes me happy and what is good for my body. Hope everything works out for you and you can find your happy place more often 🙂
– Marianne
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I totally relate with this post..thank you! I grew up in a very similar way and it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I got into fitness and unfortunately, it became very destructive. After having a baby I’ve struggled to get back on the wagon because I’m afraid of having that experience again, and I still struggle.with the residual effects of the first fitness experience. Although I was the most fit.i had ever been, it became obsessive. Thank you for sharing this, I think.this is a common problem that people just don’t talk about, so thank you for opening up the dialogue.
– Shannon
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Absolutely beautiful, and very true and relatable. I am feeling the exact same way now, and I am glad I am not the only one. Thank you for sharing.
– Cindy
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Thank you for refocusing on this post on IG today. It was exactly want I needed to hear at the exact moment.
– Jessica
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I have had your blog saved for awhile now, and I dont really remember how I came across it to begin with. Im so glad you shared your story about body image. I didnt realize until reading it just now that I read your story in Oxygen back when it came out. I remember being inspired to try to not beat myself up over how I see my body but I am a 47 year old mom of 4 (my youngest are twins), I have struggled with body image since the birth of my oldest daughter. Im 5ft 2 usually weighed about 117 but she weighed 9lbs 1oz and I had her C-section, oh my, the stretch marks and extra skin, its been absolutely horrible having to see that everyday. Even tho being a mom has been the best thing I have ever done, everyday the struggle is real to find something nice to say to myself! It has caused depression and despair for many years. After I had my twins I was in going to the gym and was in the best shape of my life but dragging 2 little boys out in the cold so I could look good made me feel guilty so I quit going and that was 14 years ago. I have off and on worked out from home and wear clothes that “cover me” because Im embarrassed and the thing is, I weigh 129lbs!! Can I stand to lose a little weight? Um Yes! Could I push myself to do better as far as my workouts and eating? Absolutely! The good news is, I just got married and I have never been happier! My husband loves me and tells me how sexy and beautiful I am every single day! He says my scar and stretch marks are real life! What make me who I am and make me perfect to him! I try really hard to let his words sink in but its hard. I do think that all we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves, believe that God loves us and try to love ourselves as much as he loves us! Thank you for giving me something to really think about and for setting me on the path to start being better to me! You be good to you too! You are a beautiful young lady!!
– Chrissy
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Thank you for this post, I relate to this on so many levels! Growing up, I was made fun of a lot because I wore glasses, had curly hair and wasn’t “pretty enough” to fit in with the cool kids. In high school, I got contacts, learned about makeup and just blossomed. More importantly, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I had great self-confidence up until the past 1-2 years. I got into fitness in 2011 when my Dad passed away from cancer. I wanted to be healthy, that was my main goal and if I lost weight in the process then great! I did lose 8 lbs., going from 128 to 120. I’m 5’7, so it was thin. I had remained at a 128 level for so many years so for me it was great to be down! Then it went back up….so I moved onto the next challenge. Bootcamp/CrossFit esqe workouts. I found a box gym and stayed there for 2 ½ years. At about two years, I hurt my back…turned out I herniated a disc. That’s another story in itself, but I quickly found out that all those people I looked up to and strived to look like at the gym didn’t care at all. I never heard from any of them. I was so down and saddened by this. I felt like a fool that I paid them so much and for what. I felt pretty alone. I thought they were my friends, but clearly not. I really was blinded and brainwashed by them. It wasn’t till I started there that I really started to become obsessed with losing weight and becoming fit. I did juice cleanses, tried paleo. And I would yo-yo. One month I’m up, next I’m down. I was never happy. It got to the point I would dread being weighed and measured because I knew someone whould say something about me going up in numbers, which they did. It made me feel horrible. I knew I wasn’t “fat”, but it was fat for me. Well, once I hurt my back, I basically said f it I’ll eat what I want, do what I want, not work out. Long story short, I’m up to 142-145. I’ve never been this much in my life. Still, I’m not fat. I am a size 8…maybe a 6 in some clothing lines. But it stung to have to buy all new clothes because things just didn’t fit anymore. A friend of mine and I were talking and she said man, I wish I was as skinny now as when I thought I was fat then. I laughed and thought you know what, you’re right! I’d love to look like I did when I was 128lbs (or “fat” as I thought back then). I have to say, I think my body image is better. I realized beating myself up over eating a carb or candy bar is crazy. I love food, and I believe everything in moderation. Do I look in the mirror and say ugh, I wish my stomach was flatter? Yup, every day. But I work on it. I think I went so crazy when I got hurt because I felt free. I could do whatever I wanted to and didn’t have to be chastised like a child. While I’m planning on getting back in shape after the holidays (primarily because I’d love to fit into some of my favorite outfits!) I know there is more to me then the fat on my body. Through all of this, I made a New Year’s resolution to myself in 2015 that I would run the Philadelphia Marathon. A few days later is when I really messed my back up. I never gave up and always kept it in my mind. I decided to train in the summer and give it a shot. I was never a distance runner so I had no idea how it would go. I did track and XC in high school briefly, got shin splints and gave up on my Usain Bolt dreams Of course while training, life happened. I gave myself 2nd degree burns from over icing my shins and then got the dreaded shin splints again. I could have given up, but I felt like if I quit, I’d be a failure (I don’t like quitting anything!) So I took a month off and came back right on time to train for the half marathon, which was something I had never done either. Well, my half marathon is in 2 days, and I’m really excited. I was able to run 11 miles last week and had a big smile on my face at the end. I realized even though I may be 142 pounds, I’m more than that number. I’m doing something that those jerks in the gym that I so desperately seeked approval from would never and could never do. I got back to my roots, challenging myself and finding the best me I could be. I felt like I had a purpose again. I think about my Dad and the reason why I started on this fitness journey and I feel like I’ve come full circle. I lost myself for a while, trying to look like a fabricated idea of what skinny, or thin or strong was. But I know this me is strong. I may not be in the 120s, but that’s ok. As we get older and especially have children, our bodies change. We have hip fat…what can you do? I still cringe to see myself in a bathing suit, but I can always work on that. Body image is a work In progress and it may always be. But I do commend you on your post and being so open and honest. The things you said were not crazy! They made perfect sense to me. To people on the outside looking in, if you’ve never gone through these things you have no idea what it’s like. Its awful feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. I sometimes look at those Victoria’s Secret models and think man, they are gorgeous. But I know half of them are airbrushed and literally starve themselves to look like that. It’s just not realistic. No one is perfect, so why do we strive to be perfect? I love food too much to starve myself and realistically, you’re not going to be running many miles without proper nourishment. Sorry for the long post, I guess I just related to it! It was a bit cathartic telling my story as well! Most people can’t relate or think you’re complaining, so it’s nice to be able to see you’re not crazy. And by the way, I think you’re lean and sexy! Certainly not fat, but hey, we always do that to ourselves don’t we? Take care and keep up the great work on your website! I’m a long time follower.
– Hilary
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Gosh, it was so liberating to read this! I was scanning this blog because I came across your recipe for Peanut Butter Protein Oatmeal Bites and saw the title of this article. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share these thoughts and feelings. I have always struggled with body image, too. This article really resonated with me, on so many levels. It made me feel less alone in the struggle and I love this blog the more for it’s honesty.
– Mary
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Stumble upon your article and I LOOOOVVVVEEE it. I recently started an online fitness gig mostly operating through Facebook and Instagram @stacymerrillfit and feel the exact same way. I feel this immense pressure to be super lean and paste myself all over the internet to be popular. Well, I am neither suuuppper lean nor do I feel comforable taking a million half-naked selfies. Having struggled with body image issues and still fighting them to this day, I really appreciated this article!
– Stacy
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Thank you so much for this post! I have struggled with body image issues my entire life. I was an obese kid, anorexic teenager, and have been everywhere in between! You’d think that giving birth to 4 beautiful, healthy children despite my years of abuse would make me appreciate my body more, but I mostly just see the flaws. I hate that society is so body focused, but I’m determined to not pass on negative body image to my kids! I’m currently at my healthiest as far as eating and exercise goes– just still battling some tendencies to binge. But I can see freedom from disordered eating on the horizon, if I can just get a positive mind to follow! Thank you for being a positive role model for women!
– Kalyco
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Very encouraging words from you!!! I think you are a great role model! Not everyone is a 2,4 or even 6….SO what!!!! Beauty is more then outside anyways.
We don’t have to be perfect we just have to be healthy and happy. I sure hope and pray you can overcome the negative image. You have a great page and your beauty is inside and out. Thanks for sharing your story!!!!
– Anonymous
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You really have no idea how much this article sounds like my life EVERY SINGLE DAY! I can happily say that here recently I have been making a strong effort to change the way I look at myself and to stop beating my body into what social media call “FIT” and “HEALTHY”. I never seem happy with my body no matter how hard I push or abuse it just so I can look a certain way. I’m done. From this day forward I will not do it anymore. I will continue to exercise and eat healthy choices. I will not continue to push my body beyond its limits for aesthetics only or deny myself any food. My goal from here on out is to have a healthy heart and lungs and body. If I never have flat abs again, I DON’T CARE! Thank you than you thank you for posting this. I thought I was the only woman out there putting herself through this non-sense.
– Dana
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Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. You have beautifully expressed how myself (and many other women/men) have felt or are currently feeling. Recently, I picked up a copy of “The Daniel Plan” and have begun renewing my mind with the Truth of how God’s love compels me to glorify him by making healthy choices that enable me to love and serve Jesus and people. I pray you find freedom in your own journey. You are enough. Thank you again for sharing!!!
– Anonymous
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Whitney, thank you very much for this post!! I started weight lifting a few months ago and about the same time started following fitness women on Instagram. Looking at pictures of “perfect” people left me discouraged. Rather than focus on my progress, I focused on the fact that I didn’t look like the pictures. I really appreciate your honesty – it’s so helpful to know I’m not alone in this!!
– Emily
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“My MIND is always thinking that I am doing something wrong and that people (YOU, our readers) won’t trust me if I’m not super lean. So I second guess myself even though I know what works.”
From 2010-11 through today, you went from a size 8/10 to a size 4. You’re still a size 4, after 5 years of clean eating. That’s pretty commendable, especially since so many other people will do that and then rebound. You know what works, and you employ it. If there’s readers out there – or even one reader out there – who blames their lack of results on you, well, that’s THEIR lack of commitment, not yours.
Last month, my family went to Orlando for 8 days. I wore a one-piece at the water parks, because (as a size 12 who is verrrry sloooowly trending smaller) I was self-conscious about my looks in a bikini. As I was walking to the locker area one of the days, a woman who was a size 2/4 was walking ahead of me. I was so jealous – she’s my ideal size! She’s cutting the figure I want to show in a two-piece.
I got closer and closer to her as I headed to my own locker. And then I saw it – cellulite. She had cellulite on her thighs. And I thought two things in a row. My first reaction was, “Whoop! She has flaws, too!” and my second reaction was, “All of us do. Even the ‘perfect’ celebrities do. Why am I so critical on myself about this?”
We spend our lives, right out from the gate, comparing – grades, clothes, toys, etc. We need to look at it from a satisfaction standpoint, that what I have is healthy and satisfies me, and it is enough, versus a scarcity/happiness standpoint, that unless I have the scarce, rare things, I won’t be happy.
You asked, “How can we change social media so that it is a positive experience?” You just started, by being brave enough to publish your post.
– Anonymous
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I’ve never commented, but Here’s the thing. I think we need people like you to inspire us. People that aren’t always on contest prep. People that aren’t doing photo shoots every week. People that are REAL. in my opinion, you are so much more inspirational because you’re just living your life. You’re showing us that you don’t have to have a single digit body fat percent to be successful. I have followed you since before your first photo shoot and it was such a breath of fresh air to find someone that had no desire to compete. You are fit so you can have a better quality of life, and THAT should be our goal. So thanks for being who you are, imperfections and all. I know I appreciate it.
– Devrie
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I have found that social media is the worst thing for my eating disorder and self esteem. At my heaviest, I was 300lbs. I’m now a little less than 150. Most people would be ecstatic. However, at my lightest (thanks to ED and being OCD/Type A), I was 110. So now being 40 lbs heavier, I feel huge and terribly unhappy with myself. I have found that the less time I spend reading health and fitness blogs and looking at sites like Pinterest and Facebook, the happier I am with myself. I hate cutting that stuff out because I love the new information and recipes, but I tend to just be happier with myself in general when I do.
– Samantha
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So very proud of you. Always.
Just finished People magazine. #didn’tbuyit. Hahahha. Love you so very much.
– Anonymous
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Thank you for this post!
– Melissa
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WOW thank you for posting. I can totally relate to you. I went through a period when I was 20 years old and in the best shape of my life, perfectly thin and toned and I felt wonderful. Now, 9 years and 2 babies later, I compare myself to “that girl” I used to be every single day and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being that size or that fit anymore, and I hate myself for hating myself! :/ I’m glad you had the courage to post this. It makes me feel like I am not alone, and we can all support each other in this struggle.
– Angela
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BIG HUGS Whitney! First, I know the courage it must’ve taken to put yourself out there (here) and share all those raw emotions. Thank you for sharing. Second, I often joke arund that after having suffered through anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and severe body dysmorphia, the hardest thing I’ve done to myself is dropping off of social media! I gave up FaceBook and Instagram last fall and it’s the best thing I’ve every done~!
“Comparison is the thief of joy” is my motto. I can’t stop comparing myself to others. FB posts, selfies, etc. act as triggers for me. The only way for me to quit falling into the cycle of “I’m no good/I’ll never be as ___________ as that person” was to remove the triggers. It’s working great! I do love reading your posts and find a tremendous amount of motivation from your honesty and sincerity. Please, please keep up all you do! You matter. You are enough!
– Brandi
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This is a great post!! I was anorexic in high school and have always had a crappy body image even after counseling. I still pick at every tiny thing about myself and I know it has to annoy my husband and it definitely irritates my teenage son who sees nothing wrong with me. I am at a size 10 right now and I hate it with a passion that I am not my old lean self. I just read your post from today and I just have to keep working hard and stay off the scale and most importantly quit comparing myself to every photo shopped picture I see on social media.
– Jenny
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What a great article, thank you for sharing and you are right, society needs an overhaul. I have never been a magazine person but now I REFUSE to read any magazine because I don’t want to support the photoshopping and unrealistic appearance they are pushing everyone to compare to. I have a similar story in that I was never a makeup person, was very active and had an athletic build as a teenager, yet I always thought I was fat. I compared myself to the “popular girls”. I would look back and think I looked amazing, if I could just get back there again I would be happy. Now, 10 years later I am finally making the journey. I had gotten over just over 200lbs. after my son was born and I am now down 40lbs. I am doing it right, focusing on physical fitness and clean eating. I am finding that I don’t have a goal weight in mind and I don’t weigh myself. I focus on how my clothes fit and my fitness accomplishments, like shaving a minute of my mile time. I am happier then ever and I am surprised how less critical I am on myself then I used to be. I am glad I read your article because I feel like it will help me not to be to hard on myself the more I lose.
– Anonymous
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I heard Nia Shanks from Lift Like a Girl explain the same kind of thing. Her self image was fine until she started in the fitness industry, to the point where she started restricting so much that she started bingeing. Our bodies are supposed to store a healthy amount of fat, and I’m trying to remember that’s what it was built to do!
– Amber
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This is one of the best posts I have read in a really long time. Ever since I was little, I have always had body issues. I have always been a chubby kid and my parents (plus family members) were in no way shy of letting me know. Seeing celebrities and models didn’t help. Once I started working out the pursuit of the perfect body has always been there, and it has always been the reason why I start off really motivated and then fizzle out. With social media, I find I compare myself to others constantly. I have stopped myself from posting pictures or sharing my blog with others because I have this fear that everyone thinks my journey is not worth knowing because I have never been lean or had abs or competed. It truly is unfortunate that healthy and fitness is described as having a certain look or eating certain foods versus not eating others. I too try to keep positive and remind myself of the wonderful things my body can do, but if I walk by a mirror I constantly poke and prod my stomach. The scales never seem centered. Thank you for this post.
– Anonymous